The Long-Awaited Winter
by somekindofwildgirl
Summary: [Complete] It was a simple question. A frightened one, with frightening implications. But it was a simple question. And Draco Malfoy would do anything in his power to ensure the answer was, and would remain, 'no.'


**Author's Note: This one-shot was written for the** **Ilvermorny School of Witchcraft and Wizardry Monthly Challenge. This is a non-magical AU, so Hogwarts and Voldemort never happened.**

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 **The Long-Awaited Winter**

 _"I realise there's something incredibly honest about trees in winter, how they're experts at letting things go." - Jeffrey McDaniel_

The faint smell of vanilla drifts towards him so slowly that he doesn't notice it at first. No one else is in the office, having left hours ago to join their families for dinner. The hum of his computer is the only sound that fills the silence, that keeps the loneliness at bay. Draco knows that the moment that he stops working, the memories of _her_ will return and he can't handle it. Not today.

He's due to appear in court tomorrow to represent one of his firm's biggest clients and he can't fuck it up. The rumours are that Parker is retiring next year and he's on the lookout for someone to replace him as a partner. Smith, Fawley & Malfoy has a nice ring to it. Besides, what else does he have to live for now?

The moment that the vanilla assaults him, he freezes. That smell had once set his heart racing, reminding him of the best years of his life: the never-ending summers, laughter, and freedom. Back when Draco honestly believed that he could change the world, when Hermione was by his side. The ghost of a smile appears on his face as he remembers his charity work. What would she think of him now?

Realizing that his focus is gone, Draco packs up his things. He turns off the last light, flooding the office with darkness. He gets into his car and starts driving the familiar route. Her presence is everywhere and nowhere, both smothering and elusive. He's not ready to go home yet, so he stops at the coffee shop near his house.

It's strangely busy for a Tuesday night. The chatter is so loud that he can't hear the music playing. He stands in the queue and looks around. Draco spots a couple of first dates, a business meeting, and a job interview. He orders his drink and there's a heaviness to his left hand as he pays the barista for his black coffee and leaves.

" _Where do you think we'll be in ten years?" she asks, propping her feet up on the dash._

 _His gaze returns to the road as he thinks about his answer. "I don't know. I always expected to work for one of those corporate firms, but lately, I can't help but wonder if maybe I should work for the D.A.'s office."_

" _What about kids?"_

" _I don't know. Maybe two, three. What about you?"_

" _Easy," she says, her white smile is blinding. "You'll be a hotshot lawyer and I'll be a cardiologist. We'll have a dog and three children. Two boys and a girl. But most importantly, we'll be happy."_

Draco pulls into the driveway and parks. He lingers in his seat and holds onto the steering wheel so tightly that his knuckles turn white. He hears children laughing outside but he stays in the car. He's having trouble breathing, a weird tightness in his chest. Draco recognizes the feeling of an impending panic attack and forces himself to calm down. He can't lose control, not now.

The sun has almost set by the time he gets out and slams the door shut. The sound echoes down the quiet street, the children have all returned to their homes at this time. Sweat trickles down his back as he enters his home and he's not sure if it's because he's hot or he's nervous.

"It's about time that you decided to join us. Did you know that you missed your daughter's dance recital today? Or that Henry aced his Math exam?" his wife says the moment he steps into the kitchen.

"I'm sorry, it was a crazy day at work today. I'll be there next time," he says.

"You say that every time. Your children miss you and the way that you constantly disappoint them is not good for –"

Astoria continues her lecture and he pretends to listen as he grabs leftovers from the fridge. He knows that he should care, that he should make more of an effort with the kids. Hermione would be disappointed in him. The thought is usually enough for him to get his act back together, but today it doesn't work. It's like it has become a habit, too ingrained in him to change.

His wife storms out of the kitchen at some point, obviously realizing that her words have little effect on him, and he welcomes the solitude and quietness left in her wake. He finishes the mashed potato and chicken and washes his plate. The truth is that he's furious with Hermione. They had been so happy and in love, thinking that they had the rest of their lives together. He almost breaks the plate, he's holding it too tightly as he remembers the brutal way that she had been taken from him.

Draco had been up late working on his application to law school. He could still remember the sound of the phone ringing, the voice on the other end telling him that his fiancée had been killed in a car accident. A drunk driver had run a red light, smashing into the driver's seat and killing Hermione instantly.

The news had shattered him. He barely went to his business classes. At first his professors had been understanding, however, their willingness to turn a blind eye to his absences had a time limit. Draco stopped caring and his wake up call came in the form of Harry Potter, Hermione's best friend and his childhood nemesis.

" _Hermione wouldn't want you to give up your life just because she isn't here anymore," Harry says casually, like he's talking about the weather._

 _Draco's drunk and pissed off. The last thing he wants to talk about is_ her _, the whole reason he drinks is to forget. If he was sober, he would have wondered how Potter had known where he was, but the room is spinning and he's seeing double. This doesn't stop him from taking another swig of whiskey._

" _The great Potter can't say the word, can he? She_ died _and she's not coming back. Did she tell you our plans? I was supposed to fucking marry her and she fucking died."_

" _What happened isn't fair, but we have to keep living. For Hermione."_

That conversation didn't end well. There was a high probability that he had thrown up on Potter's shoes and then sobbed at McDonald's while his nemesis tried to offer words of comfort. It was an awkward experience that neither of them brought up again.

Draco was relieved when he got accepted into law school in America. Everything in London reminded him of Hermione, making it impossible to forget her. In his third year, he met Astoria. She was five years younger than him and taking sociology. She was the first girl that he had been interested in since Hermione.

"Daddy, are you and Mommy going to get a divorce?" Evie asks him, climbing onto his lap.

The question takes him off-guard and he isn't sure why. Most of his coworkers had either gotten a divorce or going through the process. Draco listens to their rants when they all go out for beers after work, but the thought that could be his future never crosses his mind.

He kisses the top of her blonde head. "Of course not. I'm sorry that I missed your recital today."

"It's okay. I know that you would have come if you could," she smiles and the guilt floods him at the unconditional love and trust she has for him. "Will you come to my next one?"

"Of course I will, pumpkin. It's time to get ready for bed."

He watches the kids have their bedtime snack and marvels at how good Astoria is with them. She gives them her full attention and tells them ridiculous stories that have them squealing and laughing. Despite his disinterest, he's always known that Astoria is a good mother and wife. After the kids brush their teeth, Draco grabs Evie and tucks her in. He walks past his son's room and watches Eric snuggle into his mother as her soft voice sings him a lullaby.

A sudden realization hits him. Since Hermione's death, Draco has always felt like an outsider, an observer. The only time he feels alive and fully present is when he's in a courtroom, defending his client. The word divorce haunts him and he realizes that even his daughter has noticed that something is amiss with her parents. Could the possibility of separation have crossed Astoria's mind?

He climbs into bed and waits for his wife to join him. She takes her time, retreating into the bathroom and the sound of water running fills the silence. It feels like it takes forever for her to join him in bed and he wonders if it has always taken this long or if it's because he's waiting for her. The blankets lift and she's in bed, but she stays to her side. Draco moves so that he wraps an arm around her and pulls her warm body towards him.

Her words from earlier wash over him and he realizes how selfish he's been. Astoria deserves better and so do his children. It feels like just yesterday that they were born, the marvel that something so perfect could come from him. They looked so fragile, weighed so little. Draco had promised them that he would be a better dad than his father had been to him, a promise that he had broken.

"Evie asked me if we were going to get a divorce," he says suddenly, wondering if she has fallen asleep.

Astoria doesn't move and he almost rolls over when she answers. "What did you say?"

"Of course not," he says. "I realize that I haven't been there lately. I promise I'll change."

"Will you?" she asks quietly and the way her shoulders shake slightly, he thinks she might be crying. "You act like we are this huge burden. It's like you don't even care about us."

"What are you talking about? I love you and the kids."

She turns over so that they face each other and he's surprised at the coldness in her gaze. "Honestly? I have been considering a separation."

It feels like a slap in the face and she seems pleased with his reaction.

"Do you know what day it is? It's the anniversary of her death."

"I know," Astoria huffs. "I'm sorry if I seem callous, but she died ten years ago. Sometimes I think that you died with her. Do you have any idea how it feels to compete with a dead woman?"

"There's no competition."

She rolls onto her back "Don't lie to me, Draco. I thought that you would forget her and move on after enough time had passed, but I was wrong. If anything, you've gotten worse."

He clenches his fists and stares up at the ceiling. There's a yellow spot by the window that he has never noticed. Has that always been there? It's easier to focus on that than to dwell on the fact that Astoria is right. It scares him how easily she's been able to see through him all these years.

"You need to decide what is more important: Hermione or your family. I will not live in her shadow anymore or allow you to ignore your kids."

The memory of Hermione consumes him, the way that she was always positive and optimistic, the way her eyes lit up when she learned something new. He swallows the lump in his throat as he tries to memorize every detail of her knowing that it's the last time. His heart clenches at the thought of forgetting her.

How many times had he wished that he could go back in time, to tell her not to get in the car that night… Draco would give anything for her to come back, but he knew that was asking for the impossible. The funny thing is that he knows how angry Hermione would be with him right now if she knew how much of an absent husband and father he had been.

He knows that he needs to let her go and for the first time, he's ready. Draco never wants his children to ask if their parents are getting a divorce or feel that crushing guilt for letting them down. Closing his eyes, he pictures his first love clearly and he lets her go. He knows that Hermione would be proud of him.

Draco pulls Astoria so that he's holding her. "You're right. I haven't been fair to you or the kids. I promise to put you guys first.

"I don't know if I trust you."

"I know and I'm not expecting you to forgive me right away. I will earn your trust back and be a better husband and father."

He feels her nod and he kisses her forehead. There's a lot of damage to repair, but it's enough to know that Astoria is willing to giving him a chance to redeem himself.


End file.
